Rant !7478455847

So I bust my ass to go, I even tell my parents I'm leaving, and we have all these grandiose plans to travel and write and bla bla, and he conveniently cancels 2 days before he's supposed to land. Maybe not conveniently but he did, and then he didn't tell me he was coming back. So there's absolutely no regard for me here, eh? As if it's some dumb teenager game? And he doesn't think it's important to tell me he's postponed or that so and so are the dates he's planning on coming back?

And then he asks me "if I want him to come back" and I go "well we've been having a shitass time, do you think I'm going to go nuts and say 'ooo I miss you, come back!!' when you fuck up big time and act like a jerk?" And then he tells me, "he doesn't see where he fucked up."

I really don't know dude. This was a big reason why I hold myself back. In my experience, I choose the wrong men OR maybe I don't know how to handle them? Man I think, if this is a preview of how things will be if they go downhill, I think it would be a fuckall relationship. Like no talking for days and no mature talks and acting like some dumbass. Oh gawd and this is what I gave up "dating" and a fun life for?!

Okay seriously I need to get a life. Maybe maybe he subconsciously wants me to dump him? Like anyone who knows me has to know that the easiest way to get me to do that is not talk and play games and behave like a jackass? Dump is funny because we weren't really seeing each other! But maybe it's not like I have to tell him? Maybe I should just move on? Ack I hate shit like this. I hate hammocks and I hate leaving things hanging. Maybe if he can't, I should make a decision and stick with it. What do I say? "Okay I've decided that we're upto jackshit, you don't know how to deal with a relationship, and I don't have the inclination to teach you, so till you learn, I'm going to bid adieu."

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHhH I said till then. WHY TILL THEN, WHY NOT FOREVER AND GO TO HELL!?!?!

Okay I'm being emo. Ack! Wtf. C'mon beautiful you have better things to do than get pissed off about something that just may not be worth it. Maybe that's what it is. "Just not worth it."

I'm going to do some work and pack my bags. Then I have to go buy stuff. I'm keeping the return date open because I don't know.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Oh my gawd I need to yell out loud. Graaaaah! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! It's not gonna work out between me and him. It's never going to work out and I'm so mad I could stab someone. "I'm going to stay and complete it...." Oh yeah, really? You had 6 months sherlock! AND YOU TELL ME 2 DAYS BEFORE ALL THE PLANS?????? This is what I busted my ass for all these months?! Argh! Well I'm not staying and waiting anymore. If you expect me to be here waiting for that day forget it.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Iiii missshhhhhhh himm shhhhhhooooooo muchhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Mwah mwah mwah

Date

I had a date late last night--Online LMFAO!! It's hilarious gosh but yea I'm gonna call it an online date. The guy was telling me to watch one of the movies from his dvd collection which he left here. He's so cute he's like I should take a break from working too much. I didn't watch it for two days since he told me so he got the movie and we watched Howls moving castle. It was really nice.

I would have thought it quite sad if we were doing this before I met him but its cool really. It's still almost four months till he gets here again so till then we'll watch movies while talking online and decorate our rooms on facebook.

It started with me telling him a couple of weeks ago that I was downloading stardust and he said he wanted to watch it too so we just watched it while talking on yahoo together. And it was fun haha.

This 4 months thing is quite gay. I counted when he left and I was like okay it's like some 4 months. I counted a fortnight later and it was still 4 months and some more. Then I counted mid of march and it was still some four months and a few days. NOW I counted and its still almost four months. About 3 months and 17 days. I give up. No point in counting and I'm being quite anal.

Well, I suppose I can live with that. Good thing is when he gets here next he would have completed his flying and gotten his license and saved up some. So he might take up a job here or somewhere else if he wants. And I have time to work on a few good writing projects, build up my portfolio, save some money, get some good clients, clear some papers, get healthy and back in shape and get my paperwork done, start some investments, write some fiction and some poetry and see about the publishing and all of that. Then we can go travel and I can work online.

I'm still slightly scared. Thinking if I'm risking it by refusing to do a stable regular job. But I do see this writing thing going somewhere and I'm getting good projects, some paying twice what people on my level aka newbie writers get. Plus, I get to work on live stuff while teaching myself to write professionally and writing is what I like to do anyway.

Hah which movie should we watch next? I want something nice and funny. Any suggestions?

I'm nuts

Okay so we spoke and he was honest about how he was being weird because of some stupid reason and it was so dumb that I was so angry caz of how he was behaving caz of that silly reason that it was funny. So yeah it's all kinda cool.

Unless i remember something and get angry all of a sudden. But then he was talking about how if you put a soap bar in a sock and whack someone with it, it really hurts. I think I'll do that the next time I get so angry with him :D

Kidding.

But he's so cute haha. Guess what? He got a plant. Yep the guy got a plant to keep in his room. What kinda guy does that?? He'll make a damn good father w00t! I was like he gets plants for the house, I could live with him. Ha, for a minute I had all those thoughts of living with him in a nice home near a beach with him watering the plants and a nice kitchen where i will only sometimes do some cooking for pleasure, lotsa books, movies, music and crazy rooms like the "if-you're-very-angry-go here-room" and crazy things all over the house.

Well well well I still like him so ya :P Gosh I'm easy to please. Just talk and communicate and be open with me and don't insult my brains and intuition and I'm happy :D meow I'm going back to work. I wuv mexxx

Fuck it

I think its the wrong guy. Things went so downhill and I told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Thats the damned thing with me. If a guy doesn't or can't communicate with me or starts playing games, I start to pull out. Playing feels so retarded now. What a waste of time. I want a honest relationship be it with a friend or a lover or a sibling or whoever.

I open myself to someone to this extent and the person still doesn't know how to handle me.

I don't like playing games anymore, I'm not a teenager. I hate people who do things deliberately and pretend not to know what they did. It's fucking insulting.

And lies. I hate liars. HATE them. Fuck if i'm honest as fuck and you lie to me or try to make a fool out of me by letting me believe something else and doing something else, stay away from me.

I hate that shit so much it makes me so angry and turns me into this horrid person.Anything that can make me that angry is no good for me. He did ALL of those things. I got so bloody mad I told him to go to hell.

So yeah we connected and I really really liked him and we shared some good times. But fuck I'll get over it if its the last thing I do. Nothing and noone toxic will be part of my life.

I just went for a long drive with the cousin and got back. Nothing was open so we couldn't get ice-cream but we spoke a lot and it was nice. He kept asking me about the guy. I told him to not ask me about anything and got really annoyed.

I hate him I hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him Iiiiiii haaaaaaaatttttteeeeeeee himmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! Grrrr *STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB!* GAh! assjdksll;dksjdjslkdksldjksdasdkfklsdkjfkdls;ladksdkjdkaskdjdasddfkjkl;adksaljdfslkdsla;

I'm gonna stop counting the days and I'm gonna stop waiting and I'm gonna BLAH! I hate him!!!! Holy mother of God. I'm going to bed before I throw something and break it. What the fuck ever. Sit. Sleep. Go. Live. Die! Argh! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10/ Who the helll said counting till ten helped is an asshole and liar of the first order. Meeeeeooowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!